Never Again
by Kiel95
Summary: This is a one-shot about Miyano Shiho. It's not a pairing. I don't know why i wrote this, but I did. It was written over a year ago so I can't remember any of the reasons this came to mind. So yeah... try to enjoy :


Not again. I promised myself to never open up again, not when the stakes are so high. I've been ripped to shreds again and again by the ones I love. Never again. I'll wait it out. I won't care for those I love whom I know I can't have. Never again. Never again.

I'm leaning against the back of my chair, pushing the cushion back a little and reclining slightly. Not a day goes by that I don't remember THAT DAY. I still don't know whether my decision was right or not, but for now, it's that time of day where it all comes back and I relive the experience, looking for the answer that I may never get.

_I picked up the phone hesitantly and with shaky fingers dialed the number I had engrained in my head. I'd never forgotten it, not since the first time I heard it. How could I? It was my best friend and my partner's number. The only person alive like me. How could I ever forget? I made us this way, it's all my fault. And now, no longer being chased by the black organization, it's time for me to release him from his chains. Time to set him free._

It's hard though. Not just hard, but extremely difficult for me. I know I have to do this, I know I have to give him back. I can't keep him with me forever, not when I've already ruined his life once.

The phone rang twice before the familiar voice I usually longed to hear replied, but instead of longing, I could only despise it. It only brought pain to my heart.

"Hello?"

Long pause of silence.

"Hello? Haibara? Is that you?"

Clearing my throat silently I reply in my usual dry tone, "And who else might it be oh great detective? It is my phone, and we all know how secretive I am about my belongings."

I could tell easily that he was rolling his eyes on the other end, but I didn't care. It'd probably be the last time I ever talked to him like this.

After he let out an exasperated sigh at my silence, I finally continued.

"Kudo-kun, can you come over here now?"

"What for? You're just going to make fun of me again aren't you? That is not happening. I'm going to go with Ran and Sonoko to the mall. I'll talk to you some other time to listen to your dry remarks."

"Wait Kudo-kun!" I said hurriedly.

He'd already hung up.

I was getting ticked. I would've thought he was used to my dry tone. Well, he can't blame me when he realizes that the antidote was complete. I'll be long gone by then.

I closed my cell phone and snapped it in half. "I won't be needing this anymore," I muttered.

Then, with a quick stride, I went down to the basement and finished up my cleaning process. All the data I needed was collected on hard drives and the computer's memory was wiped clean. The antidote for Kudo was placed on the kitchen table with a note that explained my feelings for him, and I was out the door. I wasn't planning on coming back.

I had the clothes I originally wore when I first met the Professor; they were all I needed to change into when I returned to myself.

In a public restroom I took the antidote to the retched poison I'd once created, becoming Miyano Shiho once again. Then I hopped on a bus and disappeared. I had a savings fund that was now accessible since the black organization was gone. I was a free, rich woman, surprisingly enough. I never realized how much money I had acquired until then. I'd inherited my mother's, father's, and sister's money, and before I knew it, I was probably as rich as that Suzuki brat's father.

Within a month I came to America, where I am now. I received a job in a government laboratory as one of their top scientists, looking for cures for illnesses. And every day I remember this moment with an unpleasant sigh. I still don't know whether what I did was right or not, but one way or another, I ended up here, and that's all that mattered. I've been working here for about 3 years now. By now Kudo has probably stopped searching for me, and for that I'm glad. I can finally move on… if I can forget that last even. If only, if only. Never again would I fall for such an impossible man.

I snapped back to reality after a few minutes.

"I'm tired of having these regrets... but I know, I know that if I stayed it could've turned out a lot worse, like it did with Gin." My eyes darken and my heart pumps a bit faster as I think about that… beast.

_"Sherry," Gin says in his soothing cool voice, sounding sincere for the first time in his life, at least that I'd ever heard, "Would you like to go out with me?"_

At that time all I could think was, "Of course!" and that's exactly what I said. I was a fifteen year old child in puberty, and to me, Gin was the coolest guy in the world, someone I'd liked for quite a while. How stupid of me.

I was giddy with excitement as we went on the first date, and it was perfect to me. We had the time of our lives, or at least that was how it felt to me. Who knows what Gin is thinking? I don't. In fact, I never did.

So, we began to date, and it goes great. I share with him my first kiss. I love him with all my heart, but as soon as I said, "I love you," out loud for the first time, he changed. At first it was subtle. He was a bit more controlling, then it got out of hand.

I didn't fight him, as I felt I really loved him. That didn't go well for me.

Within two weeks of saying I loved him, I'd been raped. I wasn't ready for that sort of relationship, but apparently he was. That was when I saw his true nature, when I saw what he really was.

My sister had warned me about him, and I'd so stupidly ignored her. It wasn't until a month after the rape started that it was ended by 'that person.' I was an invaluable scientist. If Gin continued any longer I could break down and I'd have no use. But truthfully it was only discovered I was raped when the unthinkable, at least to me at the time, happened.

So, I was freed. Because I opened myself up to that devil I'd been wounded deeply and scars of this time still reside. The worst sort of scars any woman can bare after getting raped. Giving birth.

Some may say what happened was a gift, that my child was stillborn. The child of that monster would never come into this world. But, that child was also mine, a baby I'd carried with me for 9 months, a child I'd actually looked forward to having, if only because I'd have a companion. I felt bad it would grow up in the syndicate, and that his father would be the cold-hearted assassin, but I wouldn't be alone anymore. It sounded selfish, but I was a child then. Even now though, I still can't decide whether I would've wanted to keep my child or would have preferred it stillborn. I guess I'm still a selfish creature, willing to have put a child into that wretched syndicate. What a fool I am.

This was another pain I bore from opening myself up a man I loved. Like I've promised myself after I fell for Kudo. Never Again.

Nobody alive knows about this pain I bear. I intend to keep it that way. I'm not opening up again. Even if I were to get married and have children, I won't speak of that time again. There's only one person in the world I trust enough to tell, but even he I will never speak to again.

With a sigh I sit up and turn back to my work.

Today is just like every day since I received this job. I work, I remember, I get back to work. Nothing is going to change. I won't be with the man I still love, and I won't open myself up again to such a degree as to get hurt when it all ends.

Not now. Not ever. **Never Again**.

* * *

**Author's Note:** It would seem that some people are confused about the birth thing. A baby being stillborn means that they are born dead. Typically if it's found that the child was not alive when in the mother's stomach that there would be surgery to remove it, but other times they find it easiest to let the mother give birth. In this case though, I'm implying that the child was still alive while she was giving birth, but something went wrong and the child died before it could come out.

Oh, and if you review it'd be greatly appreciated :)


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